Created by Stacy @ stacyfinch.com & Adrianne @ discoverautism.ca 

The winter holidays are a time of warmth, wonder—and, let’s be honest, a little chaos. For parents of neurodivergent children, the season often comes with unique challenges. The bright lights, crowded gatherings, and changes in routine can be overwhelming for kids—and us parents, too. Past experiences may also awaken stress responses in the nervous system, adding a layer of complexity that can be confusing unless understood through a trauma-aware lens.

Giving yourself permission to create a holiday season that works for your family’s unique needs is a gift in itself. The goal isn’t perfection—it’s about fostering connection and creating joyful moments together. For neurodivergent families, things will and should look different, and that’s exactly as it should be.

But with a sprinkle of preparation and thoughtful strategies, you can help your child enjoy the season’s magic while minimizing stress for everyone. Here are some practical, neurodiversity-affirming tips to make the holidays more joyful and less overwhelming for your family.

Let’s dive into these key areas:

1. Plan but Stay Flexible
2. Honour the Nervous System’s Past Experiences
3. Keep Sensory Needs in Mind
4. Managing Social Expectations with Care
5. Respect Social Boundaries with Compassion
6. Create a Gift-Opening Plan
7. Focus on Festive Traditions That Work for Your Family: Choose Events Wisely
8. Maintain Core Routines When Possible
9. Invite Your Child into Holiday Preparations in Low-Demand Ways
10. Advocating for Your Child’s Needs
11. Holding Space for  Grief, Loss, and Changing Traditions
12. Supporting Yourself to Support Your Child: The Importance of Self-Care and Community Care
13. Focus on Connection, Not Perfection

Plan but Stay Flexible

The holidays can bring uncertainty and changes in routine, which can feel overwhelming for neurodivergent children, especially those with an autistic PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance) profile. While some structure can help, too much planning or unpredictability can create pressure and trigger a stress response.

Instead, create a loose, flexible framework honouring your child’s autonomy. A visual calendar with key highlights, an affirming social story, or exploring online pictures of potential events and places can gently preview what to expect without overwhelming them. Aim to use open-ended phrasing like, “Here are some ideas for things we might do.”

A STORY FROM THE ND COMMUNITY

Last year, we planned to visit a winter market, but my daughter became overwhelmed by the crowds. After settling in with her favourite music and snuggling in the car, we drove through a neighbourhood known for its holiday lights while sipping cocoa. It wasn’t what we’d planned, but it became a cherished memory.

Like snowflakes, no two days may look the same. Flexibility can make the season more manageable and magical for everyone. 

Honour the Nervous System’s Past Experiences

The holiday season can awaken unexpected feelings in children and adults alike. Past experiences—whether joyful or challenging—are stored in the nervous system and can shape how we respond in the present. Dysregulation, seemingly out of nowhere, may actually be your child’s way of processing past stress or unmet needs.

Tips:

• If big emotions surface, slow down and hold space with connection and curiosity: “I can see this feels like a lot right now.” If they find gentle touch comforting, offer it and move to a soothing environment.
• Provide reassurance and active listening: “It’s okay to feel that way. I’m here with you.”

Your regulated, warm presence is more important than the words you use. Often, talking less and simply being there can provide the comfort your child needs. This creates a safe space for your child to process, feel supported, and move forward when ready. 

Keep Sensory Needs in Mind

The holidays are filled with twinkling lights, jingling bells and music, and cinnamon-scented everything. While festive, these can overwhelm sensitive nervous systems. Be mindful of your child’s sensory needs and sensitivities, and tailor the sensory environment to your child’s comfort.

Festive Tips:

• Pack “jingle-free” essentials like noise-cancelling headphones or sunglasses for noisy environments or create dimly lit spaces for visual sensitivity.
• Create a “cozy corner” at home or during gatherings with a soft blanket and comforting items.
• Offer sensory input, such as a favourite toy, a weighted blanket, firm hand or body squeezes, or a warm drink.

A STORY FROM THE ND COMMUNITY

What can this look like? We set up a cozy “snow fort” in the guest room at a family holiday party using pillows, blankets, and fairy lights. It became my daughter’s favourite spot to decompress when things felt overwhelming—and her cousins loved it too, turning it into a shared retreat for all sorts of play and connection.

Managing Social Expectations with Care

The holidays often come with expectations for greetings, hugs, or other interactions your child may not be comfortable with—and that’s perfectly okay. It’s important to honour their boundaries and help them navigate these situations in a safe and empowering way. 

Tips

• Practice Together: Use role-play to explore alternative ways to greet others, such as waving, high-fives, or simple scripts like “I like to wave” or “I’m happy to see you!” These practices build confidence and give your child autonomy in connecting.
• Advocate Ahead: Share your child’s boundaries and communication preferences with family members before gatherings. Encourage relatives to respect your child’s needs and celebrate their unique ways of interacting.
• Provide Hands-On Tools: Offer your child a small, festive trinket or sensory toy to hold as a comfort object or a signal for when they need space or support. You can also create simple signals together, like thumbs up, thumbs down, or thumbs middle, to help them communicate their feelings without words.

Respect Social Boundaries with Compassion

As you can now see, holidays are often filled with hidden expectations for hugs, greetings, and other social interactions, which can feel overwhelming or uncomfortable for many neurodivergent children (and adults!). Supporting your child in navigating these situations confidently and safely can make all the difference.

STORIES FROM THE ND COMMUNITY

• After learning about my son’s unique greeting preferences, his uncle made it a point to respect his boundaries by asking for permission before offering a hug. If my son agreed, his uncle would embrace him without expecting anything in return. If my son shook his head no, his uncle would smile and say, “You got it, bud,” reinforcing that his feelings were valid and respected. This thoughtful approach made my son feel safe and comfortable, knowing he could stand and receive the hug when he wanted or say no without any pressure.
• Last Christmas, my daughter shared that she wasn’t comfortable with hugs from most family members. To prepare, we practiced saying, “Happy holidays!” and offering a fist bump as an alternative. Before the gathering, we explained to his grandparents that hugs weren’t his thing this year. He confidently used his new greeting when we arrived, and everyone respected his choice. It set a positive tone for the entire visit, reinforcing how honouring boundaries can create a more supportive and joyful holiday experience for everyone.

By modelling and supporting your child’s ability to set boundaries, you’ll make the holidays more manageable and teach lifelong self-advocacy and emotional safety skills.

Create a Gift-Opening Plan

Gift-giving can be exciting but also overwhelming. To support your child, keep the process low-key, flexible, and matched to their energy.

Ideas:

• Experiment with reducing the number of presents opened at one time.
• Spread gift-opening across several days or even the month.
• Let your child open gifts more freely at their own pace in a safe, quiet space.
• Encourage them to play with or explore each gift before moving on if helpful.
• Shop for gifts together or rewrap them to enjoy the experience again.
• Ask what feels best for them and stay flexible—it might change.

STORY FROM THE ND COMMUNITY

Last year, my daughter became increasingly anxious over a present that had recently arrived in the mail from her aunt. We talked about how waiting felt overwhelming and asked what would help most—waiting or opening it. She chose to open it and immediately wanted to play with it. After enjoying it for a while, she decided to store it in a special container in her room instead of putting it back under the tree. Honouring her preferences made the experience more manageable and enjoyable for her.

By honouring your child’s comfort and pacing, you can make gift-giving a more joyful, connected and manageable experience.

Focus on Festive Traditions That Work for Your Family: Choose Events Wisely

You don’t need to do all the things. Not every event needs to be attended. Prioritize the gatherings or traditions that matter most to your family and skip the overwhelming ones. Smaller, quieter gatherings can be more enjoyable and less stressful. 

STORY FROM THE ND COMMUNITY

Instead of a traditional holiday dinner, we started making waffles and watching holiday movies in our pyjamas. It’s become our coziest, most loved tradition.

You get to pick the traditions that bring joy to your family and let go of those that add stress. 

Maintain Core Routines When Possible

Holiday disruptions and heightened energy can feel unsettling and dysregulating for neurodivergent children. Aiming to keep core routines, like meal times and bedtime, as consistent as possible can provide small anchors of predictability—without putting unrealistic expectations on ourselves or our executive function abilities. Aim for good enough. Even small touchpoints of familiarity can help create a sense of stability.

STORY FROM THE ND COMMUNITY

We usually host family on Christmas Eve, and the main dinner often runs later than our kids’ usual mealtime. To maintain a little bit of consistency, we serve chicken strips and fries at their regular dinner time. Even if they’ve had plenty of treats and aren’t very hungry, having their usual meal provides a familiar anchor point that helps them feel grounded.

It’s not always easy to stick to usual routines and rhythms during the holidays, but small, manageable efforts to offer familiarity can make a big difference in creating a more predictable, regulated experience for everyone.

Invite Your Child into Holiday Preparations in Low-Demand Ways

Offer your child roles in the festivities that align with their interests and abilities. Involving them—at their comfort level—can help them feel more connected and engaged in the season. And if they prefer not to participate, that’s okay, too.

Ideas:

• Invite them to choose holiday music or decorations.
• Bake cookies together (even if it’s just tasting the dough!).
• Ask if they’d like a “job” or role, like handing out napkins, turning on the lights, or handing out gifts.

A STORY FROM THE ND COMMUNITY

My daughter loves to design, so she created handmade gift tags for the family. It was her way of connecting without needing to use verbal communication.

Inviting your child to participate in ways that work for them—or giving them a choice to opt-out—helps create a more inclusive and joyful holiday experience.

Advocating for Your Child’s Needs

Let them know how they can support your child during events, whether by giving them space, respecting their preferences, or embracing their unique communication style. Talking to family members ahead of time about your child’s unique needs can help create a more supportive environment during holiday events. If having these conversations in person feels overwhelming, consider texting or emailing your thoughts instead. A parent coach can also help you write and respectfully share your child’s needs to reduce barriers for yourself. 

STORY FROM THE ND COMMUNITY

At New Year’s, I explained to Grandma that my son might not want to eat at the table with everyone because of the noise, smells, and general overwhelm. She kindly set up a small table in a quiet spot in the living room with his favourite foods. I was so grateful for her understanding and thoughtfulness.

Holding Space for Grief, Loss, and Changing Traditions

The holidays can stir up powerful emotions, especially when grieving the loss of loved ones or stepping away from traditions and relationships that no longer feel supportive. For both parents and children, this can bring a mix of memories and emotions.

• Acknowledge the Loss: Talk openly with your child, in a developmentally appropriate way, about loved ones who are no longer present or changes in traditions. Sharing stories and memories can keep their presence alive in a comforting way.
• Create New Traditions: Letting go of old traditions can be painful, but creating new ones can offer hope and connection. These might include lighting a candle in memory of a loved one, crafting something together, or starting a holiday activity that reflects your family’s current needs.
• Allow Space for Emotions: Grief doesn’t take a holiday. Giving yourself and your child permission to feel sadness, joy, or both—without judgment or jumping into problem-solving—is incredibly powerful. Listening to someone’s struggle and grief is one of our most meaningful gifts.

Honouring and naming grief and change during the holidays can help create an authentic and healing season for your family.

Supporting Yourself to Support Your Child: The Importance of Self-Care and Community Care:

For many neurodivergent parents, the holidays can feel like an emotional and sensory minefield, with extra demands, routine changes, and social pressures. Nurturing yourself is essential, yet it can easily drop off during the holiday season. Give yourself permission to prioritize your own needs and create a holiday season that feels more manageable and aligned with your family’s values.

• Recognize Your Needs:
  Take time to notice and learn about your own sensory, emotional, and psychological boundaries. What kinds of situations create overwhelm? When are you most likely to experience nervous system activation? Awareness is the first step toward supporting yourself. This might look like stepping outside for a sensory break, using noise-cancelling headphones, or limiting how much you commit to. Reflect on how you can support yourself both in the moment and in the overall structure of the holidays—this will likely mean saying no to things that don’t align with your values, the things that truly matter, and your neurodivergent family’s needs.
• Create Spaces to Regulate:
  Just as your child needs quiet time and safe sensory spaces, so do you. Think about how you can build moments of nourishment into your day—whether stepping away for a cup of tea, laying down for 10 minutes, gentle movement, listening to a favourite podcast, taking a few deep breaths, or engaging in a special interest you enjoy. As stress increases, accessing the simple things that help us regulate can feel less accessible. Start by noticing if your stress levels are climbing, think about how you might reduce or eliminate some stressors, and then add activities that nourish your nervous system. The goal is to set boundaries before burnout.
• Let Go of Perfection:
  We encourage you to reexamine what the holidays “should” look like and embrace what works for your family. It’s okay to simplify traditions, decline invitations, or reshape plans to meet your family’s needs better. The reality is that the holidays can often be hard. A primary goal might simply be avoiding burnout so you don’t spend months recovering. This usually means stepping away from neurotypical expectations and norms and embracing neurodivergent ways of being and enjoying the season.
• Model Self-Regulation and Seek Co-Regulation:
  If you suspect you might be feeling dysregulated—like you’re overwhelmed, irritable, or shutting down—pause and check in with yourself. If it feels possible, name what you’re experiencing and model how you’re caring for yourself. For example: “I’m feeling a bit off, so I’m going to step outside for a moment,” or “I’m not feeling great right now, so I’m going to call a friend for support.” 

Co-regulation is key here—our ability to regulate ourselves is built through experiences of being supported by others. Seeking support, whether it’s a supportive conversation with someone who listens well, a hug, or simply being in the presence of someone who feels safe and steady, is a powerful tool for regulation. Modelling how you use co-regulation shows your child that it’s okay to reach out for help when they’re struggling, and over time, these experiences lay the foundation for self-regulation.

Even if you’re not fully sure what you’re feeling, simply noticing something is off and taking a small step to care for yourself can demonstrate self-attunement and the value of shared regulation in navigating challenges.

• Ask for Help:
  You don’t have to navigate the holidays alone. Identify who you can lean on in your support network. This might include virtual or phone support, asking a partner, friend, or family member to share responsibilities, or even reaching out to community resources or agencies for help. Allowing yourself to ask for and receive support is a strength—and it takes courage.
• Honouring your own neurodivergent needs and creating space for support and regulation can help the holidays feel more manageable and even enjoyable—for you and your family. If you need inspiration, follow neurodivergent voices online to see how they’re reshaping the holidays in ways that work for them!

Focus on Connection, Not Perfection

The holidays aren’t about checking every box on a to-do list—they’re about connection, giving and receiving, which may not involve physical gifts—it can be about sharing love, cooking a meal together, offering a kind word, or simply spending time with one another. They’re about creating meaningful moments with the people who love and support you best. Focus on what works for your family, and let go of the pressure to meet anyone else’s expectations. The winter holidays don’t have to look like a holiday card to be meaningful—the most magical moments are often the simplest.

A Story from the ND Community
One snowy evening, we bundled up, grabbed a thermos of hot chocolate, and wandered the neighbourhood to look at lights. It was spontaneous and free, and it ended up being the highlight of our season. 

You’ve Got This

Remember, you know your child best. By tailoring the holidays to their unique needs, you can create a season filled with comfort and joy for your child and your entire family.

The holidays can feel like a whirlwind of stress and expectations, but they’re also an opportunity to foster warmth and connection. Each year provides the chance to reflect, learn, and adjust, finding ways to celebrate that better align with your family’s unique needs. With a bit of preparation, a dose of flexibility, and plenty of love, you can create a holiday season that truly works for your family—and supports everyone’s nervous systems.

What’s your favourite way to sprinkle joy into the holidays?